must be a balloon

 

We begin to see a strange and lethal truth:

 contrary to our beliefs, 

our basic drive and all our life force goes into a struggle

 to perpetuate our separateness, 

our touchiness, or self-righteousness.

Lao Tzu said, "He who feels punctured, must be a balloon.",

 the balloon of irritability, anger, self-centered opinions.

 If we can be punctured (hurt), we can be sure we are still a balloon.

 We want to be a balloon; otherwise we could not be punctured.

 But our greatest desire is to keep the balloon inflated. 

After all, it's me!

So what is the turning point?

 It begins when we observe and feel our anger,

 our manipulation, our anxiety - 

and know in our hearts a deep determination to be in another mode.

Then the real transformation can begin. 

Instead of ignoring, pushing it away, or wallowing in it, 

we take our garbage into ourselves and let it digest.

 We take ourselves with us into the pool of life. 

This begins the turning. After it, life is never the same.

The turning is at first feeble and intermittent. 

Over time, it becomes stronger and more insistent

 As it strengthens, more and more we know who our Master is.

 Of course, the Master is not a thing or a person 

but our awakening knowledge of Who We Are. 

Difficult years come before the turning. 

 Some but not all will make it through the difficulties.

Gurdjieff said: man is a machine. We know how machines work: 

when the blender's button is pushed, it goes WHOOSSSH; 

when we turn our car's ignition key, the motor roars. 

Man is a machine. Why? As long as a man's primary drive 

is to keep his balloon unpunctured, 

to avoid having his buttons pushed,

 he is an automatic machine

 which has no choice.

Suppose you do something to me that I view as punishing,

 it's mean, it's unfair,I don't deserve it.

 How do I react when this button is pushed? 

With anger?

 (And I may not reveal my anger, or I may turn it against myself).

 Then I am a machine.

In this instance, 

what would the tuning point be?

The turning point is my ability, developed slowly by practice, 

to be aware of the thoughts and bodily sensations which comprise anger.

 In the observing of thoughts and sensations, 

anger will swallow itself and its energy can open life instead of destroying it. 

Then I (the angry one) can act out of this clarity

 in a manner that benefits me and you.

 

Let us not have some naive notion that this ability is won overnight.

 A lifetime is more like it.

 Nevertheless, faithful and determined practice

 makes a difference and fairly soon at that.

We come to view the unpleasant aspects of life as learning opportunities.

 If my balloon is deflated a little -- great!

 As an opportunity to be welcomed, not avoided or dramatized.

 each round of such practice renders us a little less machine-like, 

gives us more appreciation of ourselves and others.

~ Charlotte Joko Beck

from the Newsletter of the Zen Center of San Diego,

 (Feb-Mar, 1989)

art by James Stough